Happy Pinning

I decided to undertake a fun exercise today - I spent a couple of hours browsing back through my old pins on Pinterest, rediscovering the things that I am drawn to and inspired by.  It was a really good exercise in understanding who I am (just what I needed after my recent mini identity crisis) and the things I love.

I decided to take the exercise even further by creating some new pinboards and making them into collages focused around home, heart, work and self.  It helped me to clarify what I actually want from my life and what changes I need to make in order to get back to being myself.

Whilst I feel a bit guilty for spending time on a frivolous activity, I'm glad I did because I feel like I have gained some clarity and focus!

Expectations and Judgement

There are certain things I have always thought would happen in my life, certain "life goals" to achieve and this week I discovered that it is very unlikely that one of those goals is going to happen.    I have to be honest and say that it has completely thrown me into a place of turmoil and confusion - not because I'm not going to get what I thought I wanted but because in reality I no longer know if I ever wanted it in the first place.

As I sat and explored what it would now mean for my life and my future I realised that I could easily live without it ever happening, at least in the particular form I had always expected it to.  Had I ever really wanted to achieve it anyway or was it on my list because that is what I am expected to do in my life?

There are milestones in life that we are taught to try and reach - leave university with a good degree, have a solid career path, get married, buy a house, have children.  From an early age I had those things impressed upon me - parents, teachers, television programmes all stressing their importance to living a happy and balanced life.  I left university with a good degree and yet I never felt like it was quite good enough - the harsh reality of entering the "real world" meant that lots of other people also left university with a good degree and the competition for a decent job was immense.

After a while I secured a job with a good company and a decent salary and for 7 years I battled my way up the corporate ladder.  I spent every Sunday evening with a knot in my stomach, I closed my eyes and tried to breathe deeply during every hellish commute and I worked hard to get promoted because that is what I was supposed to do.  Wasn't it?

It was a pattern that was reflected in other areas of my life too - I stayed too long in relationships I should never have been in to begin with, I went back to college to study Law and I attended church every weekend because that is what was expected of me.  Something was always missing, nothing was ever quite right but I couldn't change any of it because what would people think?

What would people think.  That is a sentence that should be deleted from my vocabulary,  permanently.

Here I am today, my "life list" in tatters - no stable career, no marriage or children (there is still time for that one) and it's not all that bad.  In fact I would even go so far as to say it is great because what I do have is a business I am creating and I share my life with a man that is my best friend, in a relationship that brings me joy, passion and security.  I have friends and family and my health. I look back on decisions I have made, the ones that didn't work out and that left me questioning my ability to make a decent choice and I realise now that I never made any of those decisions based on what I wanted, but always on what I thought was expected of me, on my fear of being judged.

This realisation brings with it a sense of confusion - I don't really know what I want anymore, all I know is that somewhere deep down is the woman I am supposed to be.  The adventurous, passionate, spontaneous, beautiful, free soul just waiting to show herself to this world once again.

I am reminded that I am a work in progress, always and the best thing of all?  I am free to take this journey of discovery, to make the changes that I need and want to.  To choose how to live my own life.

Challenges

I stumbled across this quote earlier in the week and it just seemed to ring true with where I am at the moment.

Confidence (or lack of it) is something I have been thinking about a lot lately, the sheer fragility of it.  It only takes the tiniest of occurrences to shatter it and yet can take an age to repair.  Why is it sometimes so hard to believe in ourselves?

This week has been challenging for me - I have had to push myself to do two separate things that were both, in different ways, terrifying.  Ok, so I am not talking jumping out of a plane or abseiling down a skyscraper but I am talking about things that to me, to the person I am today, seemed as difficult as climbing Mt. Everest.  Other people could probably have done them without so much as a second thought but for me it was far more difficult. I wasn't sure I would be strong enough, I was afraid of being judged, I worried that I wouldn't be as good as other people and I was frightened of what doing them might open up.

It would have been very easy to talk myself out of doing them, but I didn't.  I knew deep down that carrying through with them would be good for me.  I might not see that result straight away but somewhere down the line I will and in the meantime each little step I take towards my fears, the more I grow.

The more strength and courage and confidence I gain.  And it feels good.

When did I stop asking questions and start assuming?

I have always asked questions, even at school when my classmates were too self-conscious about asking a question I would go right ahead. My first boss used to laugh because my catchphrase was "why?", not because I was being rude or obstructive but because I really wanted to understand how the business worked.

Asking well thought-out questions is a good thing - it helps us to understand, gives us a deeper insight. Yet somewhere down the line I seemed to have stopped asking questions and started assuming instead. I assume someone thinks a certain thing or feels a particular way - I don't ask what they are thinking or feeling. I assume everyone else wants the same things I do, I don't ask them what they want. And the thing is "assuming" can have a negative impact, on myself and those around me.

Sometimes in life asking questions can be a scary thing because we might not get the answer we would like or expect but I think it's a greater risk to make incorrect assumptions.

this I know

This week my copy of This I Know by Susannah Conway arrived.  I knew I was going to love this book the moment I opened my Amazon package and held it in my hands. I had considered buying the Kindle version but boy am I glad I didn't. 

This is a tactile book.  From the weight of it in your hand to the thickness of the pages, everything about this book screams "touch me!". In fact I spent the first five minutes with this book just flicking through and stroking and sniffing the pages.  I'm not the only one who does that right?  There is just something about that new book smell.  

I have been reading Susannah's blog for a few years now so I am familiar with the bones of her story. I have never felt grief in the way she writes about her experience but the beauty of this book is that is full of thoughts and wisdom that can be applied to many areas of life.  I defy you not to take something away from it.  Each sentence is carefully crafted, there is no filler content here - every group of words has been chosen for a specific purpose. 

Normally I can read a novel in a few hours but this isn't a book to be rushed.  I find I need to settle down with a journal and slowly work through Susannah's story, meditating on her words and applying them to my life, going back and re-reading the bits that leap out at me.  

And oh boy, is it already resonating with me... I had a total eureka moment today. 

I was standing in the shower reflecting over Susannah's experience of grief when it hit me.  I don't feel like that anymore.  Ok so I have never experienced grief in the way she describes but I could identify with the blackness, the depression.  For most of my twenties I had suffered from it, in fact it had defined me and yet here I was shampooing my hair and suddenly realising that things had changed.

How had I missed this?  Looking back the turning point came in the last year, it was around the time I made the decision to leave London and before I met Mr L but my relationship with him was a definite catalyst for recovery.  It wasn't what I expected though, I had heard stories of people waking up one day and suddenly feeling fine.  I didn't have an epiphany moment, I felt a little cheated.  

But I also feel excitement.  Suddenly  all of the things that were missing for so long are present once more.  I live in a house filled with laughter, my relationship is passionate and fun and secure, I am still figuring my career path out but with that comes the freedom and creativity I have always craved.  Oh yes, this is definitely a new phase in my life.  Gone is the despair, anger and fear and in their place is hope, freedom and an ever growing strength.  

I am unravelling…and it is awesome.