Expectations and Judgement

There are certain things I have always thought would happen in my life, certain "life goals" to achieve and this week I discovered that it is very unlikely that one of those goals is going to happen.    I have to be honest and say that it has completely thrown me into a place of turmoil and confusion - not because I'm not going to get what I thought I wanted but because in reality I no longer know if I ever wanted it in the first place.

As I sat and explored what it would now mean for my life and my future I realised that I could easily live without it ever happening, at least in the particular form I had always expected it to.  Had I ever really wanted to achieve it anyway or was it on my list because that is what I am expected to do in my life?

There are milestones in life that we are taught to try and reach - leave university with a good degree, have a solid career path, get married, buy a house, have children.  From an early age I had those things impressed upon me - parents, teachers, television programmes all stressing their importance to living a happy and balanced life.  I left university with a good degree and yet I never felt like it was quite good enough - the harsh reality of entering the "real world" meant that lots of other people also left university with a good degree and the competition for a decent job was immense.

After a while I secured a job with a good company and a decent salary and for 7 years I battled my way up the corporate ladder.  I spent every Sunday evening with a knot in my stomach, I closed my eyes and tried to breathe deeply during every hellish commute and I worked hard to get promoted because that is what I was supposed to do.  Wasn't it?

It was a pattern that was reflected in other areas of my life too - I stayed too long in relationships I should never have been in to begin with, I went back to college to study Law and I attended church every weekend because that is what was expected of me.  Something was always missing, nothing was ever quite right but I couldn't change any of it because what would people think?

What would people think.  That is a sentence that should be deleted from my vocabulary,  permanently.

Here I am today, my "life list" in tatters - no stable career, no marriage or children (there is still time for that one) and it's not all that bad.  In fact I would even go so far as to say it is great because what I do have is a business I am creating and I share my life with a man that is my best friend, in a relationship that brings me joy, passion and security.  I have friends and family and my health. I look back on decisions I have made, the ones that didn't work out and that left me questioning my ability to make a decent choice and I realise now that I never made any of those decisions based on what I wanted, but always on what I thought was expected of me, on my fear of being judged.

This realisation brings with it a sense of confusion - I don't really know what I want anymore, all I know is that somewhere deep down is the woman I am supposed to be.  The adventurous, passionate, spontaneous, beautiful, free soul just waiting to show herself to this world once again.

I am reminded that I am a work in progress, always and the best thing of all?  I am free to take this journey of discovery, to make the changes that I need and want to.  To choose how to live my own life.

Challenges

I stumbled across this quote earlier in the week and it just seemed to ring true with where I am at the moment.

Confidence (or lack of it) is something I have been thinking about a lot lately, the sheer fragility of it.  It only takes the tiniest of occurrences to shatter it and yet can take an age to repair.  Why is it sometimes so hard to believe in ourselves?

This week has been challenging for me - I have had to push myself to do two separate things that were both, in different ways, terrifying.  Ok, so I am not talking jumping out of a plane or abseiling down a skyscraper but I am talking about things that to me, to the person I am today, seemed as difficult as climbing Mt. Everest.  Other people could probably have done them without so much as a second thought but for me it was far more difficult. I wasn't sure I would be strong enough, I was afraid of being judged, I worried that I wouldn't be as good as other people and I was frightened of what doing them might open up.

It would have been very easy to talk myself out of doing them, but I didn't.  I knew deep down that carrying through with them would be good for me.  I might not see that result straight away but somewhere down the line I will and in the meantime each little step I take towards my fears, the more I grow.

The more strength and courage and confidence I gain.  And it feels good.

When did I stop asking questions and start assuming?

I have always asked questions, even at school when my classmates were too self-conscious about asking a question I would go right ahead. My first boss used to laugh because my catchphrase was "why?", not because I was being rude or obstructive but because I really wanted to understand how the business worked.

Asking well thought-out questions is a good thing - it helps us to understand, gives us a deeper insight. Yet somewhere down the line I seemed to have stopped asking questions and started assuming instead. I assume someone thinks a certain thing or feels a particular way - I don't ask what they are thinking or feeling. I assume everyone else wants the same things I do, I don't ask them what they want. And the thing is "assuming" can have a negative impact, on myself and those around me.

Sometimes in life asking questions can be a scary thing because we might not get the answer we would like or expect but I think it's a greater risk to make incorrect assumptions.

A work in progress

Meet our office cat

Exciting times.  Yes indeed, work life is full of excitement at the moment, I now have a new business partner on board and as we move towards becoming a limited company I can't help but feel like I am really starting to achieve my business goals.

I'm finding it very hard to switch off at the moment, not only do we have two big projects on the go but I also have countless ideas to help move the business forward.

I attended MADE festival last week and it has spurred me on even more, it was hard not to be completely inspired by both the speakers and the other entrepreneurs I engaged with.  I still think it sounds funny to refer to myself as an entrepreneur or even a business woman/ business owner but in reality I am now all of those things.  I love it.  It's hardwork and challenging and an immensely steep learning curve (I am very quickly learning what I am capable of and what I am not) but I feel alive with it and I know this is what I am meant to be doing with my life.

I'm also very excited to have Mr L on board as my business partner, I don't think there is anyone else in this world that I would trust with that job.  It's great to have him to bounce ideas around with and it works so well because he balances me out in so many ways.  I also love that we are building this vision together.

As things move forward and I let go of what has passed I am feeling lighter, more free somehow and although I think there will be some difficult times ahead I know that whatever happens, things are getting sorted and it will be just fine in the end.

*It would be nice however if I could just have a little more sleep!

Launch Day!

It's finally here!

Yes this afternoon, after months of work, I finally launched the new business venture and website.

It's so exciting to be able to finally share it with my blog reader over at Little Pieces and I am feeling a mixture of relief, excitement and happiness at finally getting it done.  I just know that this is the beginning of an even bigger and more successful phase of my business.

The initial response has been so positive and affirming and I am really grateful for all the support of my family, friends and blog readers.  Mr L has been especially supportive even on the days I have been tired, grumpy and frustrated by slow progress!

I'm off now to enjoy a glass of wine before I get back to marketing plans, Twitter campaigns and blog post writing.  No rest for the self-employed!

Tired

Tired today, which is unfortunate as there is so much to be done both at home and work.  I think I am starting to feel the pressure a little now as the launch of my new business steadily approaches.  It's also hugely exciting.

I'm already planning the next project in my head- I always do that but this time I need to slow down and concentrate on the present for a while.  It's good to plan ahead but right now it's not what I need to be doing.

I also want to take some time to learn - there are some key things I would like to brush up on in order to grow and improve my business and autumn seems like the perfect season for this.

Holiday

Yesterday we arrived home from a week long break in Devon.  It was a week of Cream Tea, walks in the woods and trips to the Cornish coast.  The weather was by no means perfect although luckily the sun made an appearance once or twice.  I even went horse riding with the little lovelies - overcoming my fear of horses and discovering that it is an activity I would like to try again!

It was nice to have a break, I think it's the first full week I have given myself off since I started my business in January - normally I refrain from doing any big projects whilst on holiday but instead spend time plotting and planning.  This time however, I didn't even let myself do that.  So I have returned refreshed and ready to embrace Autumn (one of my favourite seasons).  I'm easing myself back into work with a couple of days devoted to visioning and planning autumn goals.  Quite possibly one of my favourite business activities.  Yay.