this I know

This week my copy of This I Know by Susannah Conway arrived.  I knew I was going to love this book the moment I opened my Amazon package and held it in my hands. I had considered buying the Kindle version but boy am I glad I didn't. 

This is a tactile book.  From the weight of it in your hand to the thickness of the pages, everything about this book screams "touch me!". In fact I spent the first five minutes with this book just flicking through and stroking and sniffing the pages.  I'm not the only one who does that right?  There is just something about that new book smell.  

I have been reading Susannah's blog for a few years now so I am familiar with the bones of her story. I have never felt grief in the way she writes about her experience but the beauty of this book is that is full of thoughts and wisdom that can be applied to many areas of life.  I defy you not to take something away from it.  Each sentence is carefully crafted, there is no filler content here - every group of words has been chosen for a specific purpose. 

Normally I can read a novel in a few hours but this isn't a book to be rushed.  I find I need to settle down with a journal and slowly work through Susannah's story, meditating on her words and applying them to my life, going back and re-reading the bits that leap out at me.  

And oh boy, is it already resonating with me... I had a total eureka moment today. 

I was standing in the shower reflecting over Susannah's experience of grief when it hit me.  I don't feel like that anymore.  Ok so I have never experienced grief in the way she describes but I could identify with the blackness, the depression.  For most of my twenties I had suffered from it, in fact it had defined me and yet here I was shampooing my hair and suddenly realising that things had changed.

How had I missed this?  Looking back the turning point came in the last year, it was around the time I made the decision to leave London and before I met Mr L but my relationship with him was a definite catalyst for recovery.  It wasn't what I expected though, I had heard stories of people waking up one day and suddenly feeling fine.  I didn't have an epiphany moment, I felt a little cheated.  

But I also feel excitement.  Suddenly  all of the things that were missing for so long are present once more.  I live in a house filled with laughter, my relationship is passionate and fun and secure, I am still figuring my career path out but with that comes the freedom and creativity I have always craved.  Oh yes, this is definitely a new phase in my life.  Gone is the despair, anger and fear and in their place is hope, freedom and an ever growing strength.  

I am unravelling…and it is awesome.  

Birthday reflections...

It's my 28th birthday today. 28 years old…sometimes I feel much older, other times I can hardly believe I am at this stage of my life already.  Don't get me wrong I am not freaked out by it (I'm leaving that until I hit 30!), it just seems in some ways that my twenties have zipped by without me noticing.  I'm not a big birthday person and this one is going to be quiet, it's always an awkward week as the bank holiday means friends go on holiday or have plans already, so it will be a quiet day with Mr Lovely.  Perfect. 

Yesterday I took some time to review the past year - it's the one annual tradition I have.  It was a big year, full of change, new experiences and shifting relationships.  I started my business and even better I made money from my business.  What had been a dream for several years became a reality and although I have a way to go to craft it into what I want, I'm doing it.  I also became clear about the direction I want my main blog, Little Tiny Pieces to take which resulted in setting up this personal blog for my general ramblings.  I met with a fellow blogger, reached out to others in the community through button swaps, advertising and guest posts and began to develop my strategy.  It's a work in progress, as always. 

I wrote a lot this year.  Blog posts, emails and letters, journal pages, pages of my future book, ecourses and workbooks.  Hundreds of blank pages filled with my scribblings.  I learnt to love the process of letting my words flow onto the page and the satisfaction of a story forming.  It's a sort of therapy I guess, a way of staying grounded and connecting with others.  It's slowly becoming a bigger part of future plans. 

I fell in love.  Mr Lovely came into my life and my world was turned upside down (in a good way).  I learnt what it really means to be in an adult relationship, I learnt to let go of the past, I learnt to let someone love me.  Not always easy, but always worth the effort.  I have laughed, cried, kissed, cuddled, talked.  I became part of a family and I am so thankful to have Mr L and two amazing children in my life, I feel so privileged they have let me be a part of theirs. I moved and began to feel settled once more. 

I tried new things and made new memories- baking bread, wine tasting, coding a website completely from scratch, eating a burger in the rain in the middle of Green Park at night. I did things I hadn't done for a really long time - visited the Cinema, started scrapbooking again, rekindled a love for tomatoes, visited the seaside, remembered how much music is a part of my life.  

Of course, the "big family thing" happened, it's not fair to talk about it here as I have to respect the privacy of those involved but I learnt a lot from it.  I learnt to let go of unrealistic ideals, I learnt that I value those who take their responsibilities seriously, I learnt that when it really comes down to it I can be stronger than I think.  I also came to believe that the "dark seasons" of life are the gateway for something greater.  They are necessary in order for us to recognise the seasons of opportunity that life also throws our way.  

I discovered what is important to me - relationships and friendships, health, being creative.  I got frustrated with unrealised potential and being held back by fear, I was inspired by those who turned their ideas in reality.  I realised the value in achieving work/life balance.

My 27th year has been good to me and I hope my 28th will be even better!

It seems I am still in a super manic period of life - I'm still finalising my website, work for my biggest client is starting to take up more of my time and there seems to be a never ending list of jobs to do at home.  I spent last week having a major stress fest but after a discussion with Mr L I have started to relax.  That's one of the things I love about him...somehow he always manages to keep me grounded. 

The weekend was lovely - we had an impromptu gathering for Mr Lovely's birthday on Friday night and then I had quite a bit of time to myself.  It was a bit weird but it gave me a chance to regroup and do things I haven't done for ages such as have a lie in and read magazines in bed. And of course there was a lot of Olympic viewing too!

This week my two goals are to get my website done and paint our hallway.  Two quite big things but I really need to achieve them for my own sanity!