Time Out

I am away for the week, dog-sitting for my sister whilst she is on holiday.  I have to admit I wasn't looking forward to it, not only was I a bit uncomfortable with the two large dogs but also with spending a week in the bleak little town on the north-east coast where I grew up. Luckily, my Mum has tagged along to keep me company.

Despite not looking forward to it, I had set my mind on trying to enjoy a week in a different environment, away from the four walls of our office.  I had plans to get lots of work done and take stock.  It doesn't seem to be happening though, it's hard to concentrate with two dogs bounding around.

I'm also missing Mr L, it sounds silly as we have only been apart for a few days but I am missing him being around, his silly jokes (although don't tell him) and curling up on the sofa with him at the end of the day.

New Routine

Last week Mr L and I set ourselves a new challenge (well really it's my challenge but Mr L was being lovely and supportive).  A while back I used to run almost everyday, it was my daily exercise and an opportunity to get outside and clear my head.  I loved running in the morning as it set me up for the day but then an old knee injury took hold and, alas, that was the end of my running routine. 

Since then, I have to be honest and say that exercise dropped off my radar.  Aside from the occasional walk I have been doing very little.  Add into that setting up a new business and some days I am so engrossed in what's happening on my computer screen that I don't leave the house. 

*Hangs head in shame*

Enter the new routine.  It was decided that whilst I can't run, I can walk so that is what I would do each day.  Every morning, before starting work I would get outside and go for a walk and to show his support Mr L would come with me.  Day one of this new routine arrived and at 6.30am off we trotted (in the dark!) for a 5km walk.  As we were nearing the end, the sun had risen and we stopped to watch a flock of Geese come into land at our local wetland.  Lovely start to the day.  

The week continued in a similar way and I managed to clock up 24km in total!  I also had a gym session with a friend which even involved a little light jogging on the treadmill.  Not only I am proud of setting this new routine in motion, I have really been enjoying having the time to get outside, breathe, and clear my head. 

This week I definitely intend to continue, despite the dismal weather forecast, and I hope I will continue to feel inspired and refreshed. 

Morning Thoughts

Grateful for cosily dozing as the sun starts to come up.  Grateful for the rise and fall of each breath.  Grateful for the sharing of dreams, for the hot cup of Green Tea, for the hand that squeezes my shoulder as it passes.

Sometimes (most of the time) I forget to take stock of the present, I am hurtling too far into the future or buried deep in the past.  I had heard people talk about "being in the present" but I hadn't understand until I began the practice of taking stock this week.  The practice of starting each day with a deep breath, feeling the life in my lungs, feeling alive.  It's such a simple exercise yet one we are all too quick to abandon.  

There is nothing special about this morning, it is ordinary in every sense and yet I can feel the fog lifting, as my tea kicks in and I slowly wake up to face the day.  My eyes are opening to this world, to me, to you.  Things are shifting, perspectives are altering, barriers are being broken.

I am here, in this moment.

On...where this blog is going

I'm enjoying this little space.  When I first started blogging six years ago I wasn't bothered by page views or the number of comments, I didn't care if I was the only person to ever read my words.  Over time I began to connect with my readers, I discovered an online community and my blog began to open up so many opportunities resulting in my business being created, all of which I am eternally grateful for.  The price of it all though was that my blog focus was required to shift from the personal, thoughtful posts I would often write in order to provide my readership and customer base with the factual content they were seeking.  In short, it stopped being my journalling space.

That isn't a bad thing, I love creating useful content and connecting with my clients through what I write.  I love being asked to produce guest posts because my words actually have value to someone and I love how my blog is opening up new opportunities still for my business.

But oh how I have missed a personal space.  I journal in the traditional sense, with paper and pen, almost every day but somehow the words seem to flow so much better when I am typing.  Is that just me?  I also like the way having a virtual journal allows me to connect my written words with photography in such an easy and seamless manner.

So, that brings me to this little corner of the interweb.  It started as a way to reconnect with my original blogging aims but I can feel slowly evolving into something more.  A platform for me to record this journey of self-discovery I am on, a place to store my inspiration and record my everyday.  I closed the comments section because I didn't want to write for others, only myself but I realised that in doing so I was in fact destroying my whole ethos on blogging - the sense of community, the ability to find others who share your opinions and relate to your experiences.  It is apparent (ok, yes I have peeked at the stats) that there some people out there reading my words and so I am offering you an invitation to connect, to share your stories and to let me get to know you by opening up the comment section.  I can't commit to posting regularly and I will still be writing for myself - this is my personal space.  But let's just see how it goes.

Happy Pinning

I decided to undertake a fun exercise today - I spent a couple of hours browsing back through my old pins on Pinterest, rediscovering the things that I am drawn to and inspired by.  It was a really good exercise in understanding who I am (just what I needed after my recent mini identity crisis) and the things I love.

I decided to take the exercise even further by creating some new pinboards and making them into collages focused around home, heart, work and self.  It helped me to clarify what I actually want from my life and what changes I need to make in order to get back to being myself.

Whilst I feel a bit guilty for spending time on a frivolous activity, I'm glad I did because I feel like I have gained some clarity and focus!

Style Makeover

Image Sources: 1 2 3 4

As part of my whole journey of rediscovering myself I have been thinking a lot about my personal style.  I used to  have quite a distinctive sense of style and I used to love shopping but these days I have to be honest and say I make little effort with how I dress.  I think it largely comes from working at home and partly from not having the same level of self-confidence I used to have. 

So, in an effort to rework my style I spent an hour pottering about on Pinterest, repinning the fashion images I was most drawn to.  It was a fun exercise and I discovered trends amongst the images I liked.  I'm feeling quite inspired to put together a stylish winter wardrobe now! 

Image Sources : 1 2 3 4 

Expectations and Judgement

There are certain things I have always thought would happen in my life, certain "life goals" to achieve and this week I discovered that it is very unlikely that one of those goals is going to happen.    I have to be honest and say that it has completely thrown me into a place of turmoil and confusion - not because I'm not going to get what I thought I wanted but because in reality I no longer know if I ever wanted it in the first place.

As I sat and explored what it would now mean for my life and my future I realised that I could easily live without it ever happening, at least in the particular form I had always expected it to.  Had I ever really wanted to achieve it anyway or was it on my list because that is what I am expected to do in my life?

There are milestones in life that we are taught to try and reach - leave university with a good degree, have a solid career path, get married, buy a house, have children.  From an early age I had those things impressed upon me - parents, teachers, television programmes all stressing their importance to living a happy and balanced life.  I left university with a good degree and yet I never felt like it was quite good enough - the harsh reality of entering the "real world" meant that lots of other people also left university with a good degree and the competition for a decent job was immense.

After a while I secured a job with a good company and a decent salary and for 7 years I battled my way up the corporate ladder.  I spent every Sunday evening with a knot in my stomach, I closed my eyes and tried to breathe deeply during every hellish commute and I worked hard to get promoted because that is what I was supposed to do.  Wasn't it?

It was a pattern that was reflected in other areas of my life too - I stayed too long in relationships I should never have been in to begin with, I went back to college to study Law and I attended church every weekend because that is what was expected of me.  Something was always missing, nothing was ever quite right but I couldn't change any of it because what would people think?

What would people think.  That is a sentence that should be deleted from my vocabulary,  permanently.

Here I am today, my "life list" in tatters - no stable career, no marriage or children (there is still time for that one) and it's not all that bad.  In fact I would even go so far as to say it is great because what I do have is a business I am creating and I share my life with a man that is my best friend, in a relationship that brings me joy, passion and security.  I have friends and family and my health. I look back on decisions I have made, the ones that didn't work out and that left me questioning my ability to make a decent choice and I realise now that I never made any of those decisions based on what I wanted, but always on what I thought was expected of me, on my fear of being judged.

This realisation brings with it a sense of confusion - I don't really know what I want anymore, all I know is that somewhere deep down is the woman I am supposed to be.  The adventurous, passionate, spontaneous, beautiful, free soul just waiting to show herself to this world once again.

I am reminded that I am a work in progress, always and the best thing of all?  I am free to take this journey of discovery, to make the changes that I need and want to.  To choose how to live my own life.

Challenges

I stumbled across this quote earlier in the week and it just seemed to ring true with where I am at the moment.

Confidence (or lack of it) is something I have been thinking about a lot lately, the sheer fragility of it.  It only takes the tiniest of occurrences to shatter it and yet can take an age to repair.  Why is it sometimes so hard to believe in ourselves?

This week has been challenging for me - I have had to push myself to do two separate things that were both, in different ways, terrifying.  Ok, so I am not talking jumping out of a plane or abseiling down a skyscraper but I am talking about things that to me, to the person I am today, seemed as difficult as climbing Mt. Everest.  Other people could probably have done them without so much as a second thought but for me it was far more difficult. I wasn't sure I would be strong enough, I was afraid of being judged, I worried that I wouldn't be as good as other people and I was frightened of what doing them might open up.

It would have been very easy to talk myself out of doing them, but I didn't.  I knew deep down that carrying through with them would be good for me.  I might not see that result straight away but somewhere down the line I will and in the meantime each little step I take towards my fears, the more I grow.

The more strength and courage and confidence I gain.  And it feels good.

When did I stop asking questions and start assuming?

I have always asked questions, even at school when my classmates were too self-conscious about asking a question I would go right ahead. My first boss used to laugh because my catchphrase was "why?", not because I was being rude or obstructive but because I really wanted to understand how the business worked.

Asking well thought-out questions is a good thing - it helps us to understand, gives us a deeper insight. Yet somewhere down the line I seemed to have stopped asking questions and started assuming instead. I assume someone thinks a certain thing or feels a particular way - I don't ask what they are thinking or feeling. I assume everyone else wants the same things I do, I don't ask them what they want. And the thing is "assuming" can have a negative impact, on myself and those around me.

Sometimes in life asking questions can be a scary thing because we might not get the answer we would like or expect but I think it's a greater risk to make incorrect assumptions.