Expectations and Judgement

There are certain things I have always thought would happen in my life, certain "life goals" to achieve and this week I discovered that it is very unlikely that one of those goals is going to happen.    I have to be honest and say that it has completely thrown me into a place of turmoil and confusion - not because I'm not going to get what I thought I wanted but because in reality I no longer know if I ever wanted it in the first place.

As I sat and explored what it would now mean for my life and my future I realised that I could easily live without it ever happening, at least in the particular form I had always expected it to.  Had I ever really wanted to achieve it anyway or was it on my list because that is what I am expected to do in my life?

There are milestones in life that we are taught to try and reach - leave university with a good degree, have a solid career path, get married, buy a house, have children.  From an early age I had those things impressed upon me - parents, teachers, television programmes all stressing their importance to living a happy and balanced life.  I left university with a good degree and yet I never felt like it was quite good enough - the harsh reality of entering the "real world" meant that lots of other people also left university with a good degree and the competition for a decent job was immense.

After a while I secured a job with a good company and a decent salary and for 7 years I battled my way up the corporate ladder.  I spent every Sunday evening with a knot in my stomach, I closed my eyes and tried to breathe deeply during every hellish commute and I worked hard to get promoted because that is what I was supposed to do.  Wasn't it?

It was a pattern that was reflected in other areas of my life too - I stayed too long in relationships I should never have been in to begin with, I went back to college to study Law and I attended church every weekend because that is what was expected of me.  Something was always missing, nothing was ever quite right but I couldn't change any of it because what would people think?

What would people think.  That is a sentence that should be deleted from my vocabulary,  permanently.

Here I am today, my "life list" in tatters - no stable career, no marriage or children (there is still time for that one) and it's not all that bad.  In fact I would even go so far as to say it is great because what I do have is a business I am creating and I share my life with a man that is my best friend, in a relationship that brings me joy, passion and security.  I have friends and family and my health. I look back on decisions I have made, the ones that didn't work out and that left me questioning my ability to make a decent choice and I realise now that I never made any of those decisions based on what I wanted, but always on what I thought was expected of me, on my fear of being judged.

This realisation brings with it a sense of confusion - I don't really know what I want anymore, all I know is that somewhere deep down is the woman I am supposed to be.  The adventurous, passionate, spontaneous, beautiful, free soul just waiting to show herself to this world once again.

I am reminded that I am a work in progress, always and the best thing of all?  I am free to take this journey of discovery, to make the changes that I need and want to.  To choose how to live my own life.